And the Winner Isn’t . . .
Published on 6 May 2008 at 12:42 pm.
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The 2008 Webby Award Winners have been annouced!
The winner of the juried award is: Passive-AggressiveNotes.com
Congrats to a worthy competitor. Here is my first submission. Maybe I can be part of an award-winning website after all. 
There’s No Place Like Fifth!
Published on 30 Apr 2008 at 1:42 am.
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As the last day for voting in the People’s Voice Awards approaches (last day to vote is May 1st!), we’re once again joined by the incorrigible Hipsey Twins, Hazel and Harold.
Last year they gave us an eye-opening look at the Webby Awards and this year, they’ll be presenting their analysis on this years’ competition and our chances of securing last place. It’s looking good!
Let’s begin by reminding everyone about how the voting works. Harold, its been a year since we last spoke. Surely you’ve had time to really think about this subject and you appear to have the notes we wrote for you with the proper answers. So tell us, Harold, how can patrons of the Museum vote for us in the People’s Voice Awards? Please read the sentence marked “#1”.
I don’t need to go #1. I already did. Before.
Hazel? Little help?
Sure thing! If readers feel that the Museum of Kitschy Stitches is deserving of their vote, they can sign up at the People’s Voice website and find our ballot in the first section called “Connection” in the “Weird” category.
Registration is quick and easy, and definitely worth the time to help support someone whose very sanity lies in the balance.
Terrific! Umm . . wait, what was that about someone’s sanity?
Oh nothing, just a little joke.
Hey, I know a joke! Knock knock!
. . .
I said Knock knock!
~sigh~ Who’s there?
I’m a pileup!
I’m a pileup Who?
Ha ha ha ha!! Pile of poo! Ha ha ha. You said pile of poo! You’re a pile of poo!!
Great. So Hazel, despite her efforts, it seems that the curator of the museum can’t seem to catch a break in this competition. What do you think is her biggest hurdle? Is it her lack of commitment to regular posting? Is her material getting stale? Are people actually starting to like crocheted pantsuits and no longer wish to see them mocked? Or MOKed, as it were?
I believe that all of those are definitely issues. Ms. McYarnpants certainly isn’t prolific, is she? She simply can’t keep up with her competition. It’s been rumored that the museum’s entire “staff” is merely an invention. A literary apparition, if you will. I heard she has a desk job in an office and has been actually threatening her co-workers with bodily harm if they don’t vote for her. I recommend they empty their staplers and maybe bring in their own tea bags for a few weeks.
Quite simply, Ms. McYarnpants needs to step up her game.
I found a outfit made of granny squares for a cat in Stitchy’s garbage can! She said she was going to try to compete this year by forcing her aminals into little outfits and making funny words to go with it. She was all scratched up and bloody. I think it didn’t work.
Interesting. And sad. Well, thank you kids. Do you have any final thoughts on the Webby Awards and the MOKS nomination?
Stitchy stinks.
Simply being nominated for a Webby Award is quite an honor and I don’t think the museum is looking this gift horse in the mouth. Ms. McYarnpants has gained a lot of readers from her new exposure and has actually had some lovely email interactions and gotten some amazing feedback that have really made all the hard work worthwhile. In the end, it’s all about making people happy.
Hazel, you’re a dork. Kitties are a million times better that this pileup who. Can we look at some cute animals now?
Well, that was another very insightful conversation with at least half of the Hipsey Twins. And don’t forget, there’s still time to help the museum make a push for fourth place! Vote now and vote often!
Dear -insert your name here-
Published on 13 Apr 2008 at 6:11 pm.
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A Message to our Valued Patrons,
We at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches would like to welcome you to our hallowed halls. If you’re a long time visitor, welcome back. If you’ve just found us, come on it and take a look around. We’ve got a little something to horrify everyone. Whether you’re a passive-aggressive pet lover,
or just enjoy a little clown-on-clown violence,
you’ve found the right place. Let your kitsch flag fly!
We would also like to take the opportunity to make a couple of exciting announcements while you’re here. Firstly, we are pleased to announce that Winnie Lynn McCoy and the rest of the staff in our Historic Textiles department have embarked upon a truly worthwhile effort. We have teamed up with the lovely and talented Miss West Virginia herself, Shelby Free! She is one of the contestants hand-selected to compete in the 2008 Best in Drag pageant and we have the honor of creating a spectacular gown for the occasion. Everyone at the MOKS is buzzing with excitement (and lewd drunkenness) as her gown will be a revealing little number constructed entirely of crocheted Budweiser beer cans and red acrylic yarn! Construction has begun and we’ve already made arrangements for the staff to be finished with rehab in time to make the event in October in lovely Los Angeles. Stay tuned for updates and photos of our progress. (Yes, this is actually true.)
In other news, we have once again been nominated for a Webby Award! We hare honored to be in such great company in the Weird category. Last year, we had a very stimulating conversation with Hazel Hipsy about the process. Her twin brother Harold partook in the conversation as well. Once again, we ask that if you enjoy our little museum, you vote for us in the People’s Voice portion of the contest. Our voting page can be found by clicking here, or looking under the “Connections” category of the voting page. We’re in the sub-category called “Weird”. You do have to sign up to vote, but it only takes a few minutes and would mean the world to us.
We look forward to talking about the implications of a second nomination with Hazel very soon. Hopefully Harold will have other plans.
Thank you all for stopping by, please stay and enjoy the mess we have created.
Stitchy McYarnpants
Museum of Kitschy Stitches
Creator and Curator
Knock Knock
Published on 8 Apr 2008 at 1:12 pm.
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Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad you aren’t one of these sad sacks of tangerine-colored despair?
(I like to think that the reason the man’s sweater has no buttons was because they popped of as he rent his garment in angst.)
You know, I open up old knitting magazines for a bit of zippy fun and a few laughs at the expense of others. But all of a sudden, I have to find the one that’s edited by Sylvia Plath’s crafty and slightly more depressed sister.
Part of me wants to make jokes about Clementines and Tangellos colliding to form an unholy alliance of color and texture, and the other part wants to find these two and help them out with some neutral tones and an ice cream sundae.
I’m getting soft, people. But now is not the time to be soft. I just found out that I’ve been nominated for another Webby Award (once again, in the “Weird” category)! And I must steel myself for a double ass-kicking as I go up against Cute Overload (who soundly trounced me last year) AND I Can Has Cheeseburger.
Jesus. Can’t a girl catch a break?
I need a drink. An orange one.
Its Allergy Season
Published on 6 Apr 2008 at 10:19 pm.
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If she’d known that the elephant had a proclivity for violent sneezing fits, she wouldn’t have worn her new white dress to the circus.
Steaming Pile of Knit
Published on 25 Jan 2008 at 1:45 am.
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Renowned gastrointestinal sculptress, Ileum McManus, has once again rocked the craft world and we at the MOKS are proud to be able to show you the latest work to emerge from her ground-breaking movement.
Poopy Dog is study in the delicate balance of color, texture, and digestive prowess. Her liberal use of fiber, both acrylic and dietary, have secured her place in the annals of the art history and kept her regular for years.
What’s next for McManus? She wouldn’t say, but we did notice some prunes and alpaca in her tote bag. We’re hoping she took our hint about needing a draft stopper for the front door of the Mueum’s lobby.
Jaw-Breaking News!
Published on 12 Jan 2008 at 1:24 am.
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After many long years of waiting, survivors from the wreckage of the Good Ship Lollipop have been found and rescued!
What started as a sweet trip to a candy shop ended in tragedy as the G.S. Lollipop went down in flames on a sunny beach somewhere in the Peppermint Bay area of the West Indies. There would be no happy landing on a chocolate bar for them, no bon-bons would play on that fateful day. Rescue teams failed to find the caramelized fuselage and gave up the search after two weeks.
When survivors were interviewed, they told fantastic tales of lemonade stands everywhere, crackerjack bands filling the air, and sugar bowls doing the tootsie roll. Blood tests revealed that the water they’d been drinking was tainted with hallucinogenic fungus residue. Claims that some crew members had been overtaken by a big bad devil’s food cake remain under investigation and a team of physicians are looking into complaints of people waking with tummy aches. No one wants to invoke the “C” word, but rumors of rampant cannibalism on the island are swirling.
Due to their steady diet of sugary treats, the survivors were amazingly hyper when they were found. They greeted rescuers with a choreographed dance routine that employed not only jazz hands, but jazz feet. The buzzing castaways made due with what they had and with ingenuity that could only be inspired by eating entire fistfuls if Pixie Stix dust, they spun and knitted yarn using crates of cotton candy from the cargo hold. Their encampment resembled a nudist colony during the rainy season, but their resolve to remain clothed never wavered and they continued to fashion more candy clothing as the weather allowed.
Merry Kitschmas - The Regifted Edition
Published on 24 Dec 2007 at 2:16 am.
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Happy holidays to all of our museum patrons! As the curator of the MOKS, I take special glee at creating a Christmas exhibit for you every year. Some years go more smoothly than others. This year, due to unexpected (and kind of gross) circumstances, I got derailed. And just the weensiest bit lacerated. So the MOKS staff Yankee Swap has been postponed for a couple of days and instead, we’re taking the tacky way out. We’re Regifting.
So lets dispense with the formalities and enjoy my personal favorite part of the holidays - rehashing all of the wrongs that have been perpetrated against me the leftovers! We’re going to blackmail the ghost of MOKS past to take us on a sentimental(ly ill) journey back in time. Turns out that ghosts of things past are just as susceptlible to bad choices in front of a camera as the rest of us. Lucky us!
Merry Kitschmas!!
Stitchy McYarnpants and the entire MOKS Staff!
Here’s an oldie but goodie from 2004 - the very first MOKS Christmas Craptacular!
And here are a couple of my favorites from this exhibit:
This festive wreath evokes all the charm and warmth of a toilet seat on a cold Christmas morning. Honestly, spend the $5 at the grocery store and get a real one. Or go into the woods to collect some fresh foliage and make one. Or steal one from the neighbors. Or buy a plastic one. Or hang a dead cat on your door. Anything but this.
You know what this world needs? Fewer drunk rabbits in yellow pants ranting about the rising price of carrots and Medicare not covering the cost of his fake foot that those bastards thought was lucky - lucky for who, tell me that! - and another thing, I love you man. Merry Kizzm . . . kizzmu . . . kriszzmi . . . Happy Holidays ~belchhh~
You may as well wrap a shiny new butcher knife with this lil’ treasure because when he comes to life, he’s just going to head to the kitchen to get one anyway. How else is he going to kill everyone in the house in a violent orgy of blood and screaming?
**
And in 2005, we took a wild ride on a magic carpet made of a 1978 Sears Catalog!
Here are a couple of my favorites:
Welp, you might as well face it. Its time for the company party again. For the past three years you’ve avoided it by reporting the same grandmother’s death over and over again. They’re on to you and you will be participating in the Yankee Swap this time around. Forget thoughtful. Forget practical. This year, prove your disdain with inexplicable uselessness. The Coney Island Steamer is guaranteed to bring a frown to everyone it gets unloaded on. This thing will get passed around the office faster than Tammy in accounting. While the name brings to mind something you might find in a porta-potty under the docks, the Coney Island Steamer itself proves just about as useful. Hot dogs. One at a time. Perfect for that family of five who don’t mind waiting eons for their clammy portion of soggy bread and pig lips lovingly encased in animal intestine.
. . . Pedro the Christmas Burro can rest easy this year. It’s Frosty’s turn to take one for the team and martyr himself in the name of Christmas. Fill him up, arm the kids, and teach them the true meaning of the season. Blindly beat the crap out of stuff until you get what you want. In this case, piles of candy falling from the torn and battered corpse of a snowman.
(please enjoy the name of this photo, it still tickles me)
**
Again in 2005, we returned to the Sears Catalog for a look at some holiday appropriate attire:
Mommy is going to wear her polyester caftan because once the holiday eating starts, it’s not going to stop until she’s asked to leave for making the rest of the family uncomfortable.
**
And yet again, we returned. Boy, we milked that Sears Catalog for all it was worth . . . or DID we?? (stay tuned)
In this exhibit, we made a number of readers’ Christmas dreams come true. In a virtual way, of course:
For jenifleur, it’s her heart’s desire. A Super Star Barbie, complete with stage set! She can control Barbie’s Super Diva hissy fits by remote control - now with vase-throwing action! Articulated wrist lets Barbie toss back cocktails, pop pills and gesticulate wildly at Ken’s ridiculous assertions that maybe she has a problem.
Stephanie, please accept out apologies, you’re going to have to go commando. Sears had no Underoos to offer, but I agree, they did look “Fun to Wear!” Being naked under your clothes is fun, too. But now you can stretch to your heart’s content with Stretch Armstrong and his new “companion”, the Stretch Serpent. He appears to be a product of the unholy union between a Sleestack and a bookworm who’s been reading too much in the dark, but he and Stretch are in love and that’s all that matters.
**
2006 did not see a special Holiday Exhibit. We lost a lot of periphoral staff members you’ve never heard of in the War on Christmas that year. It was tough, but if you’re going to go around calously wishing people “Happy Holidays”, well, you get what you deserve. Oddly, all of those staff members were given red jerseys as their uniform. Huh.
But there was a Christmas-in-August sort of thing that year!
This Kandy Klown is the worst of both worlds for a kid. Its arrival on Christmas morning could very possibly be enough of a buzz-kill to ruin the whole day. Pep-O-Mint is the least loved of all sugary confections. Well, it’s a close second to a giant block of sticky ribbon candy, anyway. Perching the decapitated head of a clown on top does nothing to add to its appeal. Graft on some ambiguous yarn limbs and you’ve got what grandma would call an “adorable treat” and what junior can’t wait to strap an entire package of firecrackers onto.
**
And finally, last year, we launched a full-fledged investigation into the War on Christmas. We really wanted to get our red uniforms back. See the shocking report here!
Here is an excerpt of our Nobel Prize Winning documentation of the scene on the ground:
Once inside, they spied Santa and one of his favored elves lounging in the workshop.
After incurring heavy fines for operating under sweatshop conditions many years ago, Santa was thought to have improved conditions for his workers. Conditions have changed, alright. In fact, no toymaking was going on at all. Conveyor belts, doll-painting machines and jack-in-the-box stuffers have all been replaced with hot tubs and massage tables. The only toys in sight were the sort exclusively available to those with proper ID, many wrapped in plain paper so they could be delivered inconspicuously to the homes of Santa’s new, seamier clients. The environment could only be described as disturbingly over-affectionate.
